Friday, March 8, 2013

Wasted Time

I have been so caught up in trying to "catch" all of Camden's issues so I can get them fixed. Reflux...almost all babies deal with it. Feeding issues...not a big deal really. Heart...all good news so far. Aspiration...taking care of it. So why do I dwell on these all day everyday? Is it different because Camden has Ds? Probably. Would these occupy my every waking thought if it were Carter? I don't know. What I know is that these are the things keeping me from bonding with my son. Instead of worrying...I should be snuggling. Instead of stressing...I should be playing with my son. My husband told me the other day "I don't want all this stress and worry to keep you from enjoying this time with Camden". I have become crazed with research at times. As much as it pains me to admit, I have become obsessed with google. This is asking for all sorts of trouble...trouble that I'm tired of being a part of. It's a bad habit that needs to be broken. I need to learn to take one day at a time and only worry when it becomes necessary. In other words "I need to chill out." It is making me mentally exhausted which in turn makes me useless to my family. I can't control all things. I need to let go.

The Lord has given me a precious gift. So, why do I choose to squander away this time with him?! I regret that the first few weeks of Camden's birth were filled with pain and fear. Moments of joy were replaced with indescribable sadness. That's time wasted. It's time that I can NEVER get back and that breaks my heart. This is now and how I choose to spend today is up to me. So, my son, I vow to cherish each day with you. I vow to spend each moment that I have with you to it's fullest potential. I will smile instead of being consumed with worry. I will give you all of me. I will not waste any more time.


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  2. I feel exactly this way. I realized, part of it is from discovering that LP is such a gift. First, we all were devastated about the DS, then were so grateful when we realized things were not as bad as we thought, and that it was really a blessing to the family. So the idea that something could hurt him, or God forbid take him away... well that is very scary. I think the emotional highs and lows leave us raw and sensitive, and over researching and obsessing is a way for me at least to try and regain control. But obviously, what control do we really have, but to love our children and enjoy them just as they are. xo