Sunday, April 28, 2013

I'm sorry

Camden turned 5 months old this month. Seriously?! Wow, time has flown by. I remember thinking back in November when I was on bed rest that time had stood still. The events leading up to his birth and after seem like so long ago now. I have been thinking a lot about all the emotions I have been through in the past 5 months and I think I have experienced them all. I feel like I can finally say that I'm in a good place. Wait...did I really just say that? In the beginning I didn't know if I would ever feel that way. I still won't say that life is all rainbows and unicorns, but it's a heck of a lot better than it was. Slowly I have been trying to let go of all the negative. I have been harboring a lot of guilty feelings lately and it has been keeping me from moving forward in my relationship with my son. I look back on all of the things that I felt and said at the beginning and I'm so ashamed. It's killing me and I want to let it go. So, I want to tell Camden all the things that I'm sorry for so I can get them off my chest and move on. Here we go.

I'm sorry that for a second I thought I didn't want you.
This one pains me the most. I can't even type this without a dry eye. No mother should ever feel this way. It disgusts me and I'm so ashamed of myself. I know I will be judged by this statement alone. Please know that I was wrong. I did want you...I just didn't know it. Camden, I WANT you more than anything I have ever wanted in my entire life. Please believe that. Please forgive me.

I'm sorry I didn't hold you tighter and longer when I found out you came with a little something extra.
I can't have this time back. If I could I would have sat down and pulled you into my chest and just rock you as long as I could. I remember kissing you, telling you that I love you, and then putting you back inside your isolette. I was numb and in shock. I felt as if someone took a hammer and shattered my heart into a gazillion pieces. I had no idea at that moment that everything would be okay. In fact, it would be more than okay.

I'm sorry that I spent the first few months of your life crying almost everyday.
I still cry, but it's definitely not everyday. Sometimes it's not even once a week. When I do cry it's not because you have Ds. It's because I get scared of the future. It's because I hurt when you have to face a new challenge. I hurt when you and your friends are sick. I just want to protect you the best way I know how.

I'm sorry I spent some days researching more than I spent with you.
I felt I needed to know everything possible thing there was to know about Ds. If I thought it wasn't enough...I researched more. I can't even estimate how many hours I have spent on the Internet. It's sad really. I'm obsessed with wanting to know it all. Though I am now informed, it has also scared me many times. I know I will always continue to be on the Internet because I get my support through my cyber sisters. '12-'13 moms...I love you all. You have saved my life and I look forward to lifelong friendships with all of you. I will say that I will cut back on my crazed research and will spend more time soaking up your smiles than being on my IPad. I guess that means less Candy Crush too. ;)

I'm sorry I thought you weren't the ideal brother for Carter.
Boy was I so wrong on this one! Carter adores you! His eyes light up when he walks over to hug you. He tells you he loves you every day. He can't wait until you get a bit bigger so he can teach you all that he knows. You are the best brother that Carter, Ryan and Rylie could possibly have. You will teach them things no one else can. They will develop a compassion towards others that most people lack.

Last of all, I'm sorry I thought you weren't perfect.
You ARE perfect in every way. I know not too long ago I wrote that I would take the Ds away. I don't know anymore. I can't imagine you any other way. You are Camden. You were perfectly made for this family. The way your almond shaped eyes curl up when you smile is perfect. The big gap between your big and second toe is perfect. You have brought our family closer. My marriage is stronger. You are an absolute joy and blessing to us, and you are shaping us into better people. Thank you.

Now, I want to put all of these feelings in a box and lock it up. I want to put the box away and move forward. I know the road will remain bumpy, but we will ride it together. The good far outweighs the bad and that's what I want to focus on. I don't want the rest of the year to be a blur like the past few months have. I want to cherish each moment with my family. Like I always say...I'm a work in progress. I think I'm finally progressing.


  1. The guilt is palpable isn't it? It hits you in the gut. I've been struggling with it myself, but letting it go must be so freeing.

    1. Crystal the guilt is brutal! In the beginning everything is so emotional and I couldn't see past the hurt. Now that things are okay, I look back and can't believe all the horrible things that were thought and said. I know people say it's normal, but as a mom it hurts me to the core that I ever thought those things. One day you will be able to let it go.

  2. That very first line had me in tears. "I'm sorry for a second I thought I didn't want you"...I thought that very same thing when my son was born. It was a thought that ran through my head for a split second, but it took me years to get over the guilt I felt for even having thought it at all. I did a whole post once on forgiving myself, because we have to...We have to forgive ourselves for those desperate thoughts we had in the beginning when we just didn't know any better, and move on and enjoy the beauty that is in what we know now.
    This post was beautiful, real, and full of raw emotion. Some where out there a new Mother will take comfort in reading this and knowing she is not alone.

    1. Jenny one of the reasons I am where I am today is because of you and others who have paved this road ahead of me. Reading blogs in he beginning was a tremendous help. I wanted to know how others felt and what their lives were like. I hope to help others as you have helped me!

  3. Ours was a prenatal diagnosis. There were nights that I would wish I would miscarry. That thought haunts me sometimes. I went from worrying every day that I might miscarry to praying it would happen. Thank goodness that prayer wasn't answered!!