Wednesday, April 3, 2013

To Change Or Not To Change: Part 1

Richard and I were sitting around visiting with some friends a few weeks ago and we started talking about Camden and Down syndrome. My husband made a statement that he would not change a thing. I then asked if he knew when I was pregnant that Camden would have Ds if he would still be singing the same tune. "Absolutely not...I would change nothing" he replied. I could see the pride and unconditional love that my husband has for our son. I knew at that moment that he has 100% accepted our son and that something "extra" that comes along with him. It got me thinking and I had to take a closer look at myself. My husband and I are not in the same boat. The one thing that we can agree on and that we have in common on this subject is that we LOVE Camden with every fiber of our being. My heart could burst with all the love I have for my two sons. However, if someone asked me right at this moment if I would take away the Ds if I could, my answer would be yes. Every once in a while I look at Camden and wonder if I had known about the diagnosis ahead of time, would he still be here? I would like to think he would, but I could not say for sure. If you read my birth story you know that I opted out of all prenatal testing. I still think there was a reason for that, and that reason is that Camden is here with me today. When I was asked if I wanted to do testing I said "No, because regardless of the results, it wouldn't change the outcome". I think almost every mom says something similar. I have never believed in abortion, but I often wonder what I would have done if I had known. I hope that I would have been brave enough to be super mom and continue on no matter what. What if I didn't though, and he was not here? I shudder at the thought. I can't even talk about it without crying because I can't imagine my precious boy not with me today. So, since it's pointless I won't indulge in the "what if" anymore. I still would take the Ds away if I could. Does this mean I have not fully accepted the diagnosis? I know I haven't. I'm a work in progress and I know each day I accept it a little more. The sick feeling I used to get in my stomach daily since finding out has gone away. It only appears every now and again. I wouldn't take it away because I'm shallow and I worry about him being different. I don't care about that. I would take it away because of every complication, worry and fear that comes along with it. He would not have all the health issues he has now if it weren't for that extra chromosome. I know typical kids have health issues too, but usually not so many at one time. I still hate that it's so hard for him to even hold his head up because he has low tone. I don't want things to be difficult for him. I read many stories from moms saying that they would not take away the Ds or change anything about their child. I hope I can say that one day, and I think I will be able to. It's still so early and the emotions are still so raw. The future terrifies me. I constantly hear the words seizures, autism, leukemia, etc because kids with Ds are at at a higher risk for these health issues. "One day at a time"...that's what others always say. Easier said than done. I envy my husband for his acceptance. He has the ability to enjoy each moment with Camden without sadness or fear. Does he still worry about his health issues? Sure. Does he lie awake at night researching and thinking about it instead of sleeping? No. As I'm typing this I received a text from a friend that I met because her son has Ds as well. He is 3 months old and has spent his whole life in a hospital so far now with no end in sight because his mom received bad news today...again. He has already had open heart surgery at such a young age and now needs another. I know...typical kids have problems too, but it still doesn't make it easier. I'll end this post by asking for prayers for sweet Evan. Him and his family need them.

I can't even put in to words how much I love this boy!

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