Monday, December 16, 2013

Is It Enough?

Okay...I already know what some of you will say, but I just have to get this out and vent a little. I know when it comes to milestones that Camden will always do things on his own time and that it will mostly be delayed compared to typically developing children. Sometimes I get tired of hearing that, but I know that's just how it is. I think I'm just in a mood because we had Camden's one year appointment today. For some reason this one kind of hit me hard.

"Is he crawling?"     NO
"Is he pulling up?"   NO
"Is he standing or taking steps?" not really
"Is he saying dadadada or mamamama?"  No, he only says babababa and screams or grunts
"Is he picking things up with his thumb and pointer finger?"   No....dangit!

I'm sure you can assume how the rest of the questions went. It just really got to me for some reason. I already knew he couldn't do these things, but having to say no after every single question just made me upset. I wasn't upset with them, I was mad at myself. I started to doubt my parenting skills. Am I doing enough? Every once in a while the annoying "you're not doing enough" monster visits me and I feel incredibly guilty. I know he gets therapy, but it's up to me to follow through with these exercises everyday. Well, I have a confession to make. I don't do what I'm supposed to do a lot of the time. Sometimes we have so much going on that we aren't even home. Then when we are at home, I find myself busy with cleaning or other things. If I'm going to be completely honest, sometimes I just don't want to do it. I want to hold him and cuddle him. I want to play with him and not worry about all those exercises we are supposed to do. I know for a fact that Richard doesn't do therapy with him when I'm at work. He also wants to hold him and cuddle him, and that's okay with me. Is it really okay though? Don't misunderstand, I do work with him. I just don't think I work with him enough. How do you moms who work full time do it all? I can't even manage it working part time. While I sit here feeling sorry for myself, I also realize that it's my own fault. I suppose I just don't want to spend the free time we have "working". I assume that he will get there eventually, right? I said, I just needed to get some things off my chest.

The good news at the appointment was that he did gain a little weight and now weighs 17 pounds and 3 ounces and is 28.5 inches long. His pediatrician told me where he was on the growth charts, but honestly I didn't listen to that part because Camden has always been on his own growth curve. I was just happy that he gained weight! All in all his pedi was impressed. I'm the only one who left the appointment feeling defeated. Sigh. Tomorrow is a new day!


  1. Diane,

    I've been in your shoes and could have written a nearly identical post when Owen was around 1 year old. I STILL ask myself everyday, am I doing enough? Did we work on cutting today or writing today? And if we didn't, why not? And it's typically because we played with cars for an hour or had a rousing game of indoor ball.

    Camden will do all of those things he's "supposed" to do and he will do it because he knows he's loved, he's safe, and everyone is rooting for him. You are a great mom, don't ever doubt that!

    1. Oh thank you Stephanie! I think it's so hard as moms to know if we are doing everything we possibly can. You would think I would know better after reading yours and other moms blogs with older kiddos. I know he will be fine, but it just gets to me every once in a while. Thank you for reminding me that it's all good! ;)

  2. Oh Diane--I feel you on this! Lately I've been thinking the same things...especially as Baxter's 18 month mark approaches (next week!) and he's not walking, still not even 4-point crawling. It stings when I go pick him up at daycare and babies younger than him are walking. I can't help it---it just hurts sometimes. I hardly do any of the things I'm 'supposed' to do with him. My husband and I work all day and quite frankly the last things we want to do some days is work with Bax on his crawling. We haven't seen him all day and like you, we just want to cuddle and hang out with him. So all this to say (I guess I needed a vent, too!) that in the end, Camden is happy and loved--the other things will fall into place. Just try not to let that 'am I doing enough monster' take over.

    His little toes in this photo are just too much!!!! Yay for weight gain, too! He's awesome--I know it, you know it----heck everyone knows it! <3

    1. 18 months already? Really?! Sheesh...time is going by way too fast! I always find that when I relax on the whole "working" with him thing, we are all less stressed and that's when Cam starts progressing. Like you, when I see other babies younger than him doing all those things it just hurts sometimes. Our boys are awesome and so loved. That's what's important!

  3. Ah, reading this takes me back a couple years. I felt the exact same way Diane. We all do in the beginning. We all want the very best for our children...To give them every opportunity, to do all the therapies so as to make sure we don't miss something. But we need to remember our children are not "projects"...They do not need to be "worked" with every second of every day. They need to be allowed to just be kids. To just play without any sort of therapy in mind. To just hang with the family and relax.
    It's hard to find that balance...It's hard to let go of that guilt. But once you do, you will feel a weight lifted off of you. It just takes time getting there...But I promise you, you will :)

    1. Thanks Jenny. ;) I'm going to remember your comment when I feel this way again. I know you're right, I just need reminding sometimes. I admitted to his therapist today that I've been slacking on his therapy and she smiled at me and said it was okay and to stop being so hard on myself. You are right...they are not projects!