Monday, September 29, 2014
Monday, September 8, 2014
I started this blog to be able to update friends and family on how Camden is doing, to possibly help other parents if I can, and for me to have an outlet for my feelings. I know it probably seems crazy to a lot of people that I can't talk to someone about what I'm feeling, but I can put it out there for the whole world to read. I don't know why this is, but that's just how I am. I do better with writing about what I'm thinking. I've been struggling this past week with a lot of emotions and it's been hard because I couldn't find a way to let them out. My husband is a tough love kind of guy so it's hard for me to talk to him at times. His response is usually "this doesn't bother anyone else but you, so I don't know why you're so upset about it." That's just how he is. He is more of a positive kind of person. I don't talk to friends about my feelings because I don't want them to feel sorry for me. I don't want them to think "oh poor Diane." I usually turn to my Rockin' Moms for this kind of stuff, but I didn't want to be a Debbie Downer for them too. So I keep it in and move on with my life. I have a house to run and a family to take care of. I don't have time to be emotional. I also feel ashamed because I don't know if it's okay to feel what I'm feeling. I am very lucky and very blessed so there's no reason for me to be upset, right? I don't want anyone to ever think that I'm not happy or that I do not love my son with all my heart. I feel like I shouldn't be sad because there is nothing to be sad about. I will say that 90% of the time I am beyond happy, but the past week was rough. Sometimes it is just so damn hard. I don't really get down about the fact that Camden has Down syndrome anymore, I think it has more to do with what that diagnosis means for him. Sometimes it just hurts my heart because there are so many challenges for him and he has to work so hard to overcome them. It hurts my heart to think of him being treated badly by others in the future and for the rest of his life. If I'm being really honest, I've been a bit depressed about him not reaching certain milestones yet. I know everyone says that he will do it on his own time and I know they are right, but sometimes that doubt creeps into my mind and I wonder if he ever really will. Usually that kind of stuff doesn't bother me but lately it just has me feeling like I'm not doing enough for him or that I'm not doing right by him. I guess you could basically say that I'm throwing myself a little pity party. The positive is that this does not happen very often anymore, but when it hits, it hits me hard. I always ask "Is this normal? Is it okay to feel this way sometimes? Is it okay that there are still days that I bawl my eyes out?" In my mind it is unacceptable and that's why I keep it inside. I finally opened up to a friend the other day and she told me
"It is perfectly normal to have all the emotions and feelings you are having. Don't beat yourself up for having those. You're human and imperfect, but that is what makes you special and perfect all at the same time."
She didn't know it, but her words really had an impact on me. It was a simple statement but it let me know that it is okay. I'm still learning to sort through all my feelings and I always say, I'm a work in progress.