Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Memory Lane

A friend of mine shared a video yesterday that took me on a little trip down memory lane. I had not seen this video in two and a half years. I first saw it on YouTube the same day that I found out Camden had Down syndrome. If you know me, or if you have followed my blog from the beginning, you know what those beginning days and months were like for me. I won't get into the whole journey, but I'll share what those first couple of days were like.
I remember it was a Monday and it was exactly one week after giving birth to Camden. I had already known that they had sent off testing to see if he had Down syndrome, but we were almost positive that he did not. Really, it was just a matter of playing the waiting game to get the results of what we thought we already knew. I remember the doctor telling me that morning that they should have the results back sometime during the day. I was there holding Camden during my visitation times just like I had been every day before that. I was about to leave when the results came back. The doctor walked over to me and I could tell by the look on her face that it wasn't the news that that we were expecting. She looked at me and simply said, "he does have it. I am so sorry."
That was the worst moment of my life at the time. I felt like somebody punched me as hard as they could in the gut and ripped out all my insides. I tried so hard to keep the tears in because I didn't want to appear weak, and I didn't want it to look like I didn't love my son. The doctor walked away and I just stood there not knowing what to do next. I looked at Camden, I gave him a kiss on the forehead, and I put him back in the isolette. I will always regret that moment because I wish I would have stayed and held my son just a little bit longer. I wish I would have told him that I loved him. Instead, I wanted to get away from there because I felt there was an emotional disconnect. I didn't feel that bond that I was supposed to feel anymore. I grabbed my purse and walked out of the NICU with my head down and crying. I could tell that everyone there didn't know what to say to me.
 My stepmother came to the hospital to pick me up and drive me back to my dad's house, which is where I was staying with Carter at the time. I remember telling her in the car and I was an emotional wreck. Richard was not with me at the time because he had to work and we live 2 hours away form the hospital. I picked up the phone and called him to tell him what I had just learned. His response was, "are you serious?" I don't think there were many words exchanged after that as we were both shocked and heartbroken. We hung up the phone and didn't talk much for the rest of the day. When I got back to my dad's house I went into the guest bedroom, picked up my iPad, and started my frantic search of anything and everything about Down syndrome. I got on YouTube to try and find any kind of video about Ds. I came across one video in particular and it was the first one I watched.
 I cried from beginning to end. This one video gave me a little bit of hope in a very dark time in my life. I watched it over and over again for so many days, sobbing my eyes out each time. Richard came to visit the next day and I showed it to him. I remember watching his face as he watched it, and I could see tears in his eyes. My mom had a very difficult time with the diagnosis as well. She didn't talk to me for several days, and that was extremely hard on me. She was grieving as well, and didn't understand what it all meant. I sent the video to her and I think that is what finally made things okay. Who knew that one little video could be so powerful for our family? 
Since that time I have not seen this video. When I saw my friend post a link to the video, I immediately knew what it was. It instantly brought back so many memories as I watched it for the first time in over 2 years. I still cried like a baby from beginning to end, but they were happy tears this time around. I can relate to every single thing that those parents said. I could have never imagined two years ago that my life would be what it is today. It was different watching it this time. I could see the beauty in it, and I can see the beauty in our lives.


  1. This was a beautiful post...One of the reasons I love your blog so much is because you share so many of your emotions and I can always relate. There is a video I came across on You Tube as well, just after we got the diagnosis and Russell was still in the NICU...I remember sitting in the middle of the night watching it, crying. I think remembering back to those first few weeks will always be emotional for me.

    Glad you shared this post :)

    1. Awwww...thanks so much Jenny! You and I are so much alike! I love your blog and I remember reading it when Cam was still in the NICU. I loved that you were real and honest. Even though my posts are gloomy sometimes, I want to be as honest as I can possibly be!