Monday, March 28, 2016

For This Child I Prayed

For this child I prayed; and the LORD has given me my petition which I asked of him. - 1Samuel 1:27

I'm sure many of you have seen this verse. I see it quoted often when parents post pictures of their kiddos or I see it embroidered and engraved on certain things. I was thinking of this verse on my drive home from dinner the other night and it really resonated with me.

After Carter was born, I knew that he would be my only child. My husband and I talked about it, and we both decided that we would have one child because I already had two amazing step sons. Once Carter tuned a year old, I knew that I wanted more. I wanted a sibling close to Carter's age. His older brothers were fantastic, but he hardly saw them. I felt that our family was incomplete. I didn't know what to do because my hubby had made it clear that he only wanted to have one. I wasn't going to trick him or beg him. Instead, I prayed. I prayed every single day for almost a year. I prayed that God would change my husband's heart and that he would decide he wanted another baby. I never brought it up to my husband. I just silently prayed about it. Was I being selfish? Maybe. At the time it's what I wanted in my heart. Then, one day at dinner I felt like it was the right time to bring it up. I calmly asked him what he thought about having another child. There was a bit of silence, and then he said that he wanted another one as well. I can't tell you how happy I was. I didn't waste any time and we began to try for our second child.

It's no secret that it was a rough couple of months after Camden was born. It was hard enough to be on bed rest for 3 weeks in the hospital and then to have him come at 30 weeks. That was beyond stressful and challenging. I didn't know that he would be born with Down syndrome. That's when my world was turned upside down. I admit that I was a terrible mom and had unthinkable feelings toward my child. Many of you know that. Here is this child that I prayed for every single day and then when he came, I actually thought I didn't want him anymore. I didn't feel close to him. I wanted my perfect son. I wanted a normal baby. How was I going to take care of this child when I couldn't even control my own thoughts and emotions? I won't go into all the details of those first few months. I wrote so many posts about my feelings in the beginning and how I finally got over them. I don't really want to go back there. In fact, I haven't even thought about those days in a long time until recently.

It's hard for me to believe that Camden is 3 years old. Those years went by so fast. The beginning days are almost a blur to me now. Sometimes I am in shock of how I felt back then. I look at my son now and see the most beautiful little human being. I couldn't imaging him any other way. His smile lights up the room and can instantly make your day better. His personality is the best. He's funny, smart and loving. He's also a typical toddler that LOVES to make a mess. He has the cutest temper tantrums and he makes it very difficult to get mad at him for anything. Do I want to take away the struggles that come with that extra chromosome? Sure. Do I wish that society was more accepting and could see Camden how I see him? Absolutely.

Would I want to change him? Never.

I prayed for him, and I am so incredibly lucky to call him my son.