Monday, March 28, 2016

For This Child I Prayed

For this child I prayed; and the LORD has given me my petition which I asked of him. - 1Samuel 1:27

I'm sure many of you have seen this verse. I see it quoted often when parents post pictures of their kiddos or I see it embroidered and engraved on certain things. I was thinking of this verse on my drive home from dinner the other night and it really resonated with me.

After Carter was born, I knew that he would be my only child. My husband and I talked about it, and we both decided that we would have one child because I already had two amazing step sons. Once Carter tuned a year old, I knew that I wanted more. I wanted a sibling close to Carter's age. His older brothers were fantastic, but he hardly saw them. I felt that our family was incomplete. I didn't know what to do because my hubby had made it clear that he only wanted to have one. I wasn't going to trick him or beg him. Instead, I prayed. I prayed every single day for almost a year. I prayed that God would change my husband's heart and that he would decide he wanted another baby. I never brought it up to my husband. I just silently prayed about it. Was I being selfish? Maybe. At the time it's what I wanted in my heart. Then, one day at dinner I felt like it was the right time to bring it up. I calmly asked him what he thought about having another child. There was a bit of silence, and then he said that he wanted another one as well. I can't tell you how happy I was. I didn't waste any time and we began to try for our second child.

It's no secret that it was a rough couple of months after Camden was born. It was hard enough to be on bed rest for 3 weeks in the hospital and then to have him come at 30 weeks. That was beyond stressful and challenging. I didn't know that he would be born with Down syndrome. That's when my world was turned upside down. I admit that I was a terrible mom and had unthinkable feelings toward my child. Many of you know that. Here is this child that I prayed for every single day and then when he came, I actually thought I didn't want him anymore. I didn't feel close to him. I wanted my perfect son. I wanted a normal baby. How was I going to take care of this child when I couldn't even control my own thoughts and emotions? I won't go into all the details of those first few months. I wrote so many posts about my feelings in the beginning and how I finally got over them. I don't really want to go back there. In fact, I haven't even thought about those days in a long time until recently.

It's hard for me to believe that Camden is 3 years old. Those years went by so fast. The beginning days are almost a blur to me now. Sometimes I am in shock of how I felt back then. I look at my son now and see the most beautiful little human being. I couldn't imaging him any other way. His smile lights up the room and can instantly make your day better. His personality is the best. He's funny, smart and loving. He's also a typical toddler that LOVES to make a mess. He has the cutest temper tantrums and he makes it very difficult to get mad at him for anything. Do I want to take away the struggles that come with that extra chromosome? Sure. Do I wish that society was more accepting and could see Camden how I see him? Absolutely.

Would I want to change him? Never.

I prayed for him, and I am so incredibly lucky to call him my son.


  1. That was a great read. Your a wonderful mom Diane.
    Hope to see you guys soon

    1. Thank you, Justin. You're so sweet! Hope all is well!

  2. I just gave birth to a baby girl and she was diagnosed with downs. We were not expecting that at all. She is the sweetest thing but I've been a roller coaster of emotions and can't find the light in this. Found your blog by accident and it has given me some hope. I can't wait to have these feelings of joy again

    1. Crystal, I'm so sorry I just saw your comment. I'm usually very quick to respond. First of all, congratulations on your daughter. If you have time, please go back and read my blog posts during the first year. You sill see that I went through many many dark times and I was on that same roller coaster you are on. I will say that it's not perfect now, but it is so much better than I could have ever imagined. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. Your daughter will bring you so much love and joy. It will be wonderful. You will get just takes time.